Thank You for Breaking My Heart

I didn’t know me sitting down at my computer would turn into me thanking you but I do owe you a thank you. You were everything I wanted at the time. You fit the encasing of the person I wanted. You were tall, dark, big nose. You had those muscles that I imagined would hold me forever. I remember writing about you every time I got to see you and be in your presence. You didn’t say much and I thought that was so sexy. Sexy and mysterious. I’d muster up the courage to say a couple things and the conversation would last a few minutes. My happiness was a mystery to you. Where did it come from? The moment that hooked me was when I said something and I saw you blush at what I said. Little ole me had the power to make you blush. I couldn’t let that go.

With you I gladly accepted the impossible mission to try and make someone else happy. Little did I know it would later lead to me having to remind myself and teach myself that I was enough. When I look back at everything I wrote about you in my journal, I see that I was just chasing. It was like chasing a fish in the air. It didn’t make sense and it was a waste of time. If we talked, it was because I initiated. I hung on to every word you said. Every failed promise. Thinking about it still sends a pang in my heart. I prayed that God would send me a sign that you were the one or even that you weren’t the one. That prayer in itself was all the sign that I needed. I’ll call you Apollo. Apollo, I tried to love you when it was me who deserved the love and happiness that I was trying to smother you with. You rejecting my love translated to me as though my love wasn’t worth giving. My love would never be enough.

Thank you for breaking my heart. When I think about it now, you didn’t break my heart. I broke my heart. I put blinders on and ignored all the red flags. I forced my love on you when I should have walked away the first time. I wanted you to validate that I was worth loving and that I was worth being with. A lot of guys after you were you because there was a lesson that I didn’t learn with you. The universe has a funny way of doing that you know. Sending you the same lesson till you learn in. I just wanted validation. I wanted someone, anyone to say “ I love you and you are enough”. The thing with that is, until I learned to say that to myself and mean it and accept it, it would mean nothing coming from someone else. It meant that the moment you decided to stop loving me and saying that I was enough, I would no longer be worth loving and never enough. Apollo, you did me a favor.

You leaving meant I had no choice but to sit with my feelings and really learn to love myself. I had to teach myself that I was worth the love that I was trying to give. I learned to validate myself and walk away when I felt disrespected and devalued. I stopped waiting for someone to give me a reason to stay. I stopped waiting for potential to turn into actuality because I deserved the best someone had to give because I gave myself the best that I had to give. I used to wish that our story didn’t turn out the way it did but it turned out the way it was meant to. I wished we ended up together and that you would have seen what I was seeing. As cliché as it sound, everything happens for a reason. You happened so I could become this woman that I am head over heels in love with and am getting to know every day.